Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
