im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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