For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
