dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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