i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
