I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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