there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
