I met the friendliest cop last night
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
a search helicopter?!
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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