BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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