now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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