note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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