I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
