OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
