You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
