I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
