Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
