I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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