tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
