I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
