Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
