I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
