i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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