Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
