epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
