this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
