I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Randomize
