alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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