My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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