i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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