why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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