Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
