well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
