my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize