should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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