remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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