im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
