I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
