there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
