According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
