Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
