My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Panties = found
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
