I'm eating all of the evidence.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
