after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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