How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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