I will die if light touches me.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
