How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Randomize
