Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
