so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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