Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
