you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
