please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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