So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
