he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize