We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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