somebody snuck up and got me drunk
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
