...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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