Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
