This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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