this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
