just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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