yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm passing your future prison.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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