This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
