nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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