Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
